The sad truth is I am nothing… and I’m ugly… and…..

As always, I set myself up to fail. again and again…I try so friggin hard to be normal, to be happy and do the right thing but I always screw things up.

You know once upon a time I actually thought I was a looker. I believed all the lies, man after man, who filled my head with flattery. ” your lips “, “that smile”, “those legs”.

I lost myself in the porn and became disconnected and lived my life in a web, numb and confused, fear and the willingness to give up my life for the one true thing I wanted most…. True happiness. And I suppose I did in many ways give my life other than just suicide. You never let a man do anything he wants in the name of love, but I did. Over and over again.

After almost five decades of giving everything to a man and settling for nothing in return, I’ve got nothing left to give. I don’t want to give anymore. I’m old, I’m tired and I only want to be in peace.

You can live in a superficial world where looks are an issue. Where we strive to be like everyone else and keep up with the Jones’s. Fuck that! I’m done! Won’t work! I’ve been on the mountain top and I’ve been in the valley. I’ve eaten up top of penthouses and I’ve lived in abandoned buildings. I’ve worked a 9-5, I’ve sold my time and thought I was rich. It was all an illusion. I don’t want to be sexy, famous or rich. I just want to be me. And I will! Its not about what you look like, what color your nails are…acrylic or gel… am I sexy, maybe I should do this look, try this makeup. Shit! Been there, done it.. for years… and um finished! All anyone is gonna be left with in the end are scars, memories and heart filled with emptiness. Because in reality people in this confused diverse world don’t give a shit about the person next to them. Were not considerate our respectful or understanding or compassionate but we all smile and put our best faces forward…. go with the flow, its part of life, really? Whose? Mine? Not even.

This old lady is exactly that! No Photoshop, no glamour, definitely not rich and am working on the happy ending still.

He’s an ugly for the road (taken just now), ugly, so what, if you’re not yet, you will be someday. You can’t keep it forever. Nope, you won’t.

Be good to yourself, like Ru says “love yourself cause ain’t nobody else gonna” love you like YOU!


Let it be, after the storm…

well its been a couple days since My daughter and I have spoke. I don’t like her choices,  and not the fact that I’m being disrespected in my own home it really pisses me off. Growing up, she was always hard to discipline, and had an issue with female authority. Today at 27 she hasn’t changed much, just got bigger. She wants to make her own choices and learn the hard way, go for it. I’ve already concluded that she and I will never have the mother/daughter thing that I thought we’d work on this time around. Nope, she isn’t even giving me the chance. She doesn’t want to be under My eye or hear when she makes a mistake, fine, go learn on your own. After all I’m “just another gal.”

What once was my one greatest accomplishment has obviously became my biggest failure. The sad realization that I will never have the daughter I always wanted, thought was a blessing from God turned out over-rated.

I’ve had to mark others off my list, in fact all these years I’ve spent have been spent without any family interaction what so ever. I was abandoned long ago. By everyone.

Is it because im trans, no. Its called life. A very disappointing one at that. Life will go on as it always has. Me picking up pieces that others scatter in the mist of my efforts and eagerness to help.

I told you so, doesn’t work, it just pushes them further away. Sometimes people really do have to learn the hard way, I did.