I woke up this morning feeling an overwhelming feeling of guilt and disgust and only because I drank a few beers. When I was still heavy into the drinking and began to try and get a handle on it, everytime I failed I felt guilty. Well several years later, and I can have a couple and keep it under control, but I still just can’t get over the morning guilt as if i were doing something wrong. I think I set standards that are too high for myself. But I set them just the same. I tried to explain it to my boy friend and had a hard time. The thing is this. I have always been a strong individual in everything I have had to deal with. But I’m finding out that there are times that I am overwhelmed with everything that I am currently trying to work on, my temper, my communication with others, things I can’t change, my drinking, my relationship with my daughter, etc. And the fact of the matter is this. It gets so tiring being strong all the time. Walking around with an emotionless grin, wearing your best poker face. I manage to hold it in months at a time, but as always, from time to time it manages to escape and I derail and or fall apart with all sort of emotion. Being over sensitive has always been a down fall of mine. So it makes sense that I would teach myself to just not give a shit. And for the most part I don’t. But I do. Oxymoron?
Not at all.
“I don’t care” enough to prevent me from doing or being the way I want, but I do want to be liked, I do want to have friends, but will not kiss an ass to have one. I do let what others say make me feel bad sometimes or often think because they are in a bad mood, its some how connected to me. Life isn’t easy, no one ever said it was and I realize this. Sometimes life is hard to swallow, especially in big bites.
At the end of the day I do my best to not give a shit about anyone’s opinion nor let it affect my life. Even if it means turning the other way in order to shield my vulnerable emotional head.
Today is a good day because at the end of it all….
I’m just another gal…