Rants and raves are far and less these days. I’d say the last couple of weeks since I’ve decided to disconnect myself from the drama of the household and this has left a peace that I feel is real. It’s overwhelming to some degree. Does it mean it’s finally over. No!
I recently decided to take a few days of “me time” to really get a better perspective of everything going on in my life as of late.
I’ve finally realized another issue that needed to be confronted. I have spent over four decades struggling to survive. The many rough times being homeless and noone to run to. And today I am retired, no social life or many responsibilities. And a house to live in with a stable income no major needs. But I have recently began to realize a tremondous inability to really enjoy this new life. This life with no struggle to survive, no worry or hardships. It’s been hard to avoid the feeling of guilt as if I were’nt doing enough anymore. Somehow not deserving to just spend the day laying in bed watching tv or listening to music. Or just plain doing nothing at all.
Yet I know I’ve totally earned the right to enjoy these final years of life.
I’ll do my very best to continue striving toward those things that I hold dear to. Regardless of how hard it is some days to keep that “poker face” on. Because anyone that knows what I’m saying knows that there are times your tears and sobs will wash that stiff emotinless expression away and leave you broken yet again left only to pick up the pieces and having to put your face back together again. I choose to love myself.