First of all happy New year folks we made it. As I’ve entered the new year, I’ve entered it with a brand new life.
The last 3 years I have spent re- learning, re-thinking, making many decisions and changes in my life, getting priorities in order. I’ve also did my house if the sixteen people that basically took over my home. My house is my house again. I seem to have started a new year complete. I have no regrets, because I would not be the person I am today, but in some ways it’s a sad thing to be starting out life at 57. Learning everything about life that I should have learned all these years ago, setting better boundaries being, responsible and paying bills. I’ve spent three years learning many things. And squandered half my life with many addictions. Abusive relationships, and two divorces.
I’ve accomplished so very much in such a few years and I’m like in awe because for almost a year now I have been sober, but more importantly, the desire to drink is no longer inside me. I’ve tried for many many years to quit and I was unable to. But for some unknown reason I have no desire any longer and it has made such a difference in my life that I should be filled with a tremendous amount of joy but I’m not, I find myself living a very dull boring life, a life filled with reputition, responsibility, and Im not a social person about when I go out like shopping or you know and I talked to the the cashier I’m always very friendly and sometimes get into you know some really good conversation so we laugh and talk but I don’t really have a social life I don’t go out I don’t know anybody I don’t ever pursue that. I have not one friend I do not play bingo nor do I go to bars or do I go to clubs. You can say I live a very isolated life because I do live with my sister-in-law and her daughter as well as my daughter and my grandson and my son-in-law but I’m always in my bedroom with my boyfriend who lives here as well.. Sometimes I think that maybe that is the reason that I somehow always manage to have an empty feeling. I know I’ve accomplished so much in 3 years and I know that I have total control over my life now and I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of being effective in paying bills and buying more and paying those bills and buying more and you know life is great. I don’t have to buy my my weed anymore because I grow it, it’s legal in my state. So you would think well a perfect life. At 57 I think I look pretty good and no I’m not conceited but I’ll admit I’m not ugly and I don’t look my age but it’s not worth nothing if you don’t feel good or if you’re not happy. looks are one thing but feelings are another.
I also think that if it’s not the isolation it very well could be the fact that I am living a completely new life because my old life consisted of drinking drugs running around with different men and living wild and now it’s the total opposite I like to look at it like two personalities. there’s Mona and then there’s Mary. Today I am mary because Mona died. I’ve started a new year as Mary.
Mary isn’t an alcoholic Mary doesn’t do porn Mary doesn’t escort Mary has her priorities together Mary has set boundaries for her life Mary will love herself first and most and will not tolerate any abusive relationship again so it’s kind of is like being a new person for me and I think that is what I struggle with too. sometimes the fact that my life is so great so perfect but I’m old and retired, I realize there isn’t really much to expect at my age but to be happy and comfortable but there is still always that empty feeling that seems to creep in you know I don’t feel like keeping up with my hair or you know my looks because I figure what the hell, nobody’s going to see me, I don’t go nowhere and I feel guilty because I like to look nice, haha! what women don’t. And besides I really am just another gal!