Watch “Kai Shappley: A Trans Girl Growing Up In Texas | them.” on YouTube

Watch “Yes, you can be non-binary AND a woman | Riley J. Dennis” on YouTube

Very well put! Still don’t like labels but, really hard to live in a world that uses so many terms…

The daze of my life…..

Well shit, it’s just another day just like yesterday. Complete with its very own mind fucks of the day. I really just wish I could find a happy medium and stay right there. You’d think that finally finding sobriety, getting rid of the trashy people in my home, catching up on the bills and moving on…. Being in control of my impulses, handling responsibility and being respectful…..But!

Shit, always the BUT word! Always has to come up and ruin things..

But after three years with my boyfriend I’m feeling like the thrill is gone for him. Kind of like I’m always chasing him and never catching him, or maybe he’s running from me. Am I getting too serious for his comfort. I wish I knew how to simply turn my thoughts off so I could enjoy life a little before my old ass dies. Sure, he’s reassured me he loves me and is happy with our relationship. But I just can’t shake the feelings…. after all, I should know if I’m really happy or not right? ….WRONG!….

Maybe it’s the self destruction coming back, grasping at a straw to sabotage something good in my life for once.

I’d honestly rather be alone than constantly feel these feelings I feel. I think I am strong enough now to make it on my own. No I don’t want to hurt him, but don’t want to hurt either. Sometimes I feel like I’m begging him to give me the bad news, answer I want to hear. But I don’t. I want to be loved. He makes me feel complete and happy. But I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be co-dependent…..? God, I’m really fucked up and can’t seem to keep one set emotion for an entire day. Having zero testosterone could be the real monster in the shadows… wish I really had a clue…

Just another gal

So far, so good!

The new year has settled in for me already and it’s pretty much back to the grind. These past three years have been filled with plenty of struggle.  Mood swings,  depression, suicidal thoughts.

I had a full plate for sure.  I have had to come to the realization about many things in my life. I had to work on myself, put myself back together. I didn’t know a divorce could put a person through what I endured. It’s aftermath seems so much more painful than the actual abuse itself. It was the best diet program I’ve ever been on and it worked.

Yes, one of my realizations was my weight.  At 210 lbs. and 5’5 down to 137 lbs. I just couldn’t eat and always felt sick. But I have realized that I can look as good at a more reasonable and healthy weight,  perhaps 146 lbs. Yep,  had to learn to eat all over again these past three years without that twisted man in my life.


Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.

Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.

Rethinking everything in your life and fixing the cracks and flaws takes a tremendous amount of energy and discipline. Straight out! It’s fucking hard as fuck. PERIOD!

I’ve always been a blunt outspoken person, bad tempered, an alcoholic and pill popper. So harnessing the ability to communicate,  control my temper,  think before I react, etc.

But after three years and two months I can say that I have really made it back to reality.

This is three year’s after divorce:

This is during my marriage:

Today I can say I am sober and drug free. Mentally aware and in control of my new life. I feel like an old teenager learning about life, a good life. A life without abuse, drugs and toxicity .

Yes, another realization has been that each day is it’s own. It may be a good one,  an ok one, or maybe even shitty. But it goes with life’s territory.