The daze of my life…..

Well shit, it’s just another day just like yesterday. Complete with its very own mind fucks of the day. I really just wish I could find a happy medium and stay right there. You’d think that finally finding sobriety, getting rid of the trashy people in my home, catching up on the bills and moving on…. Being in control of my impulses, handling responsibility and being respectful…..But!

Shit, always the BUT word! Always has to come up and ruin things..

But after three years with my boyfriend I’m feeling like the thrill is gone for him. Kind of like I’m always chasing him and never catching him, or maybe he’s running from me. Am I getting too serious for his comfort. I wish I knew how to simply turn my thoughts off so I could enjoy life a little before my old ass dies. Sure, he’s reassured me he loves me and is happy with our relationship. But I just can’t shake the feelings…. after all, I should know if I’m really happy or not right? ….WRONG!….

Maybe it’s the self destruction coming back, grasping at a straw to sabotage something good in my life for once.

I’d honestly rather be alone than constantly feel these feelings I feel. I think I am strong enough now to make it on my own. No I don’t want to hurt him, but don’t want to hurt either. Sometimes I feel like I’m begging him to give me the bad news, answer I want to hear. But I don’t. I want to be loved. He makes me feel complete and happy. But I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be co-dependent…..? God, I’m really fucked up and can’t seem to keep one set emotion for an entire day. Having zero testosterone could be the real monster in the shadows… wish I really had a clue…

Just another gal

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