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The daze of my life…..

Well shit, it’s just another day just like yesterday. Complete with its very own mind fucks of the day. I really just wish I could find a happy medium and stay right there. You’d think that finally finding sobriety, getting rid of the trashy people in my home, catching up on the bills and moving on…. Being in control of my impulses, handling responsibility and being respectful…..But!

Shit, always the BUT word! Always has to come up and ruin things..

But after three years with my boyfriend I’m feeling like the thrill is gone for him. Kind of like I’m always chasing him and never catching him, or maybe he’s running from me. Am I getting too serious for his comfort. I wish I knew how to simply turn my thoughts off so I could enjoy life a little before my old ass dies. Sure, he’s reassured me he loves me and is happy with our relationship. But I just can’t shake the feelings…. after all, I should know if I’m really happy or not right? ….WRONG!….

Maybe it’s the self destruction coming back, grasping at a straw to sabotage something good in my life for once.

I’d honestly rather be alone than constantly feel these feelings I feel. I think I am strong enough now to make it on my own. No I don’t want to hurt him, but don’t want to hurt either. Sometimes I feel like I’m begging him to give me the bad news, answer I want to hear. But I don’t. I want to be loved. He makes me feel complete and happy. But I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be co-dependent…..? God, I’m really fucked up and can’t seem to keep one set emotion for an entire day. Having zero testosterone could be the real monster in the shadows… wish I really had a clue…

Just another gal

So far, so good!

The new year has settled in for me already and it’s pretty much back to the grind. These past three years have been filled with plenty of struggle.  Mood swings,  depression, suicidal thoughts.

I had a full plate for sure.  I have had to come to the realization about many things in my life. I had to work on myself, put myself back together. I didn’t know a divorce could put a person through what I endured. It’s aftermath seems so much more painful than the actual abuse itself. It was the best diet program I’ve ever been on and it worked.

Yes, one of my realizations was my weight.  At 210 lbs. and 5’5 down to 137 lbs. I just couldn’t eat and always felt sick. But I have realized that I can look as good at a more reasonable and healthy weight,  perhaps 146 lbs. Yep,  had to learn to eat all over again these past three years without that twisted man in my life.

DIVORCE WORKS!

Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.

Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.

Rethinking everything in your life and fixing the cracks and flaws takes a tremendous amount of energy and discipline. Straight out! It’s fucking hard as fuck. PERIOD!

I’ve always been a blunt outspoken person, bad tempered, an alcoholic and pill popper. So harnessing the ability to communicate,  control my temper,  think before I react, etc.

But after three years and two months I can say that I have really made it back to reality.

This is three year’s after divorce:

This is during my marriage:

Today I can say I am sober and drug free. Mentally aware and in control of my new life. I feel like an old teenager learning about life, a good life. A life without abuse, drugs and toxicity .

Yes, another realization has been that each day is it’s own. It may be a good one,  an ok one, or maybe even shitty. But it goes with life’s territory.

My Innocence

No more than a child;

Just nine years of age.

A heart full of innocence;

A mind of rage.

I trusted you Father;

To life me and care.

Always keeping our secret;

That I couldn’t share.

Confused and afraid;

Yet left wanting more.

No more than a child;

But years later a whore.

I gave you my body;

What else could I do.

No more than a child;

That didn’t have a clue.

Many years have passed;

But the memories still live.

 

Afraid to trust;

Unable to give.

No more than a child;

Betrayed by my dad.

Still missing the father;

I wished I’d had.

One that’d love

And nurture his son.

But I know now dad;

What’s done is done.

I trusted and loved you;

And for this was betrayed.

The day the perverted foundation was laid.

I’ve forgiven you dad;

For the wrong that you did;

But I’ll never forget;

My life as your kid.

No more than a child;

My innocence was lost;

You molested me father;

And I paid the cost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trumpsville…?!”=?

Which transgendered people do not have a diagnosis of (G.I.D.) gender identity disorder? Why would the Supreme Court say not all transgendered are banned just those with dysphoria. Meaning if one regresses back to assigned birth you may join the military. What a joke this country has became crippled in just about every area of government, F.B.I,, U.S. Coast Gaurd, Military, Federal Workers, C.D.C., F.D.A. Federal Reserve, And it’s affecting more and more of the so called government as we grew up knowing and believing in. SAD! 9037 transgendered people have been banned. People are loosing homes, cars, health….

Just another gal,

Mona

Happy New Year!

Well it’s 2019 I’ve had gangah shiznit talked about me behind my back, even had my house pointed out. But, I’m still standing and hell yeah I’ve got lots of smiles on my face these days! can’t no one get me down. Happy New Year! It was well awaited for and needed, thank God and his miracles. Still Standing!

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A simple life.

First of all happy New year folks we made it. As I’ve entered the new year, I’ve entered it with a brand new life.

The last 3 years I have spent re- learning, re-thinking, making many decisions and changes in my life, getting priorities in order. I’ve also did my house if the sixteen people that basically took over my home. My house is my house again. I seem to have started a new year complete. I have no regrets, because I would not be the person I am today, but in some ways it’s a sad thing to be starting out life at 57. Learning everything about life that I should have learned all these years ago, setting better boundaries being, responsible and paying bills. I’ve spent three years learning many things. And squandered half my life with many addictions. Abusive relationships, and two divorces.

I’ve accomplished so very much in such a few years and I’m like in awe because for almost a year now I have been sober, but more importantly, the desire to drink is no longer inside me. I’ve tried for many many years to quit and I was unable to. But for some unknown reason I have no desire any longer and it has made such a difference in my life that I should be filled with a tremendous amount of joy but I’m not, I find myself living a very dull boring life, a life filled with reputition, responsibility, and Im not a social person about when I go out like shopping or you know and I talked to the the cashier I’m always very friendly and sometimes get into you know some really good conversation so we laugh and talk but I don’t really have a social life I don’t go out I don’t know anybody I don’t ever pursue that. I have not one friend I do not play bingo nor do I go to bars or do I go to clubs. You can say I live a very isolated life because I do live with my sister-in-law and her daughter as well as my daughter and my grandson and my son-in-law but I’m always in my bedroom with my boyfriend who lives here as well.. Sometimes I think that maybe that is the reason that I somehow always manage to have an empty feeling. I know I’ve accomplished so much in 3 years and I know that I have total control over my life now and I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of being effective in paying bills and buying more and paying those bills and buying more and you know life is great. I don’t have to buy my my weed anymore because I grow it, it’s legal in my state. So you would think well a perfect life. At 57 I think I look pretty good and no I’m not conceited but I’ll admit I’m not ugly and I don’t look my age but it’s not worth nothing if you don’t feel good or if you’re not happy. looks are one thing but feelings are another.

I also think that if it’s not the isolation it very well could be the fact that I am living a completely new life because my old life consisted of drinking drugs running around with different men and living wild and now it’s the total opposite I like to look at it like two personalities. there’s Mona and then there’s Mary. Today I am mary because Mona died. I’ve started a new year as Mary.

Mary isn’t an alcoholic Mary doesn’t do porn Mary doesn’t escort Mary has her priorities together Mary has set boundaries for her life Mary will love herself first and most and will not tolerate any abusive relationship again so it’s kind of is like being a new person for me and I think that is what I struggle with too. sometimes the fact that my life is so great so perfect but I’m old and retired, I realize there isn’t really much to expect at my age but to be happy and comfortable but there is still always that empty feeling that seems to creep in you know I don’t feel like keeping up with my hair or you know my looks because I figure what the hell, nobody’s going to see me, I don’t go nowhere and I feel guilty because I like to look nice, haha! what women don’t. And besides I really am just another gal!