Changes to bring peace.

It’s really nice when you open up your home two unemployed individuals and families that have their house foreclosed but it really isn’t very nice when all you’re left with is a big nasty mess. garbage, lack of responsibility and the mindset that life consists only on self-serving selfishness and in consideration to the other people around them.. you all know who you are! But I am very thankful that I have finally gotten rid of everyone of the irresponsible, childish, immature leeches and my house will not fall.

It’s an honor having known: Alisha Hal’s, Malinda Baily, Tim Good man, Wendy Exceen, Ariel Clayton and the rest of the trash.

Am I back?

Seems like I’ve fallen off the face of the Earth and just all of a sudden disappeared. I had to take some time to actually deal with the real time, real life events that were taking place.

November 25th is right around the corner which marks the third year since I have laid eyes on my ex-husband and a lot of changes have taken place.

He once told me that I would never make it without him and that he saved my life, although he was a stepping stone in the early years, but as time went on he began to destroy my life and bring me down along with himself and that’s during the time there was no way out because he wouldn’t let me out.

But three years later I am happy to say that I haven’t spent it in vain I don’t look at myself as a victim, nor as a survivor, I look at myself as a person who has discovered a lot about myself through the abuse. for the first time in my life reality has finally set in I’ve realized it was time to grow up. I have spent these three years working out many issues that were out of control in my life and have been for four and a half decades. I have had to deal with insecurity after numerous bad relationships, my anger and communication skills, alcohol, but more importantly the misappropriation of the money and the bills not being paid. I had to deal with the owner as they were about ready to put a lien on the property for sewage being unpaid, I tried a GoFundMe, but it didn’t make a buck, go figure.

But I managed to find responsible parties to manage the bills here at the house so that has been taken care of. we’re a little behind still on the bills but we’re catching up. Also I am very happy to be able to say that my daughter and I have really gotten close and have began an adult relationship something that her and I have never had, have never developed, have never experienced and this is the first for this as well. I needed to realize that my baby is 28 years old along with my grandson who is 11 and she is on the verge of being married. My mothering days are over now I can just enjoy a relationship with my daughter and be a part of their lives but not hover and not try to play Mommy the stress of it all has had me smoking a pack a day but mentally I’m stable I’m at ease and filled with anticipation of getting my personal bills paid off.

It’s really hard to actually blog and live your life, for me anyway that’s seems to have been the experience. It’s kind of overwhelming to remember those that are following you, those that are waiting to hear from you and at the same time handle and deal with stress and issues that go on. but I’m sure we all understand that.

Also one family of 6 actually finally moved out and it’s been easier to actually make it to the restroom as well as helping to get the bills back down and off the payment agreement with the electricity soon. In spite of what was done to me and several years with the money being misappropriated I’ve chosen to move on, giving full responsibility to her granddaughter who will manage her funds now that she is aging and no longer able to. this has proven to be very effective and has actually cut us some slack with the owner because he’s impressed with the bills being paid on time that he is dropped a lot of the fees that we had owed.

Nobody said it would be easy but I’m not a quitter I don’t give up on things that I believe in, in regards to respect consideration integrity. It’s taken most of my mental energy, a lot of mixed feelings and forgetting too many times for very simple tasks ( scary ) but after all, I am, just another gal!

Started with a bam and finished with a bang!

It’s been some time since I’ve been up to writing due to the tremendous amount of stress that I have been dealing with because of being too far in debt in the home, that I myself on disability cannot afford to maintain and with other people that live here misappropriating funds this doesn’t help.

I’m almost ashamed of starting a “go fund me” there’s so many scams there’s so many people out asking for money and really good causes but I told myself that there is nothing wrong with trying it out and failing than  even try it at all.

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I wish I could honestly say things have been better but in all reality my life has always been a mess. Started as a child, victim of abuse and then continually escalated. And at some point we all make our own choices and do us!

I’ve managed in the three years being divorced to get the whole drinking and pills out of my system once and for all.

And have learned all sorta of new things like communication, confronted my drinking and pills. Controlling my temper, humility.

But at the end of the day I’m still empty and lonely inside. Kind of hard to put in words.

I just know something has got to give and soon.

Just when you think everything is warm and cozy…….

They’re not, Apparently things are not as they should be.

Just when I think things are finally running the way they should be yet again another mind fuck rent being behind and not paid now that my sisters card expired and were waiting for a new one since she failed to let the ssi  know she no p.o. box anymore, and got sentback. the sewage which is in the owner’s name just got a notice of lein against his property, god damn I’m so fucked.

It’s really gotten to the point where I’m about to leave I don’t want to be in this house anymore because it consists a very inconsiderate irresponsible people that do not know what loyalty is.

I get so fucking tired of people telling me you look so nice you look great yeah I’m 56 I look good but I feel like fuck.

 

img_20180605_1117552068423684.jpgNow if I could mentally and emotionally feel half as good as I look at 56 years old then I think I’d have the whole game licked but I don’t. I know you see a buy me a coffee on my site and honestly it’s going to take more than a cup of coffee to get me out of this financial fucking mess. I can do a go fund me but been there done that and I’m not enough social media to be able to get my message across so I’ll just sit here not figured the god damn thing out myself one way or the other. but  looking good is one thing, feeling good is a totally a different thing.

 

Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that life is just unbearable. Sure I enjoy living I enjoy life but when every day is filled with drama what the fuck is the point to continue getting up every day only to face another hurdle I’m fucking tired.

Haven’t fallen of the earth yet….

Its been a trying time for me this last month. I was bit with a ride awakening to the fact that a person whom I entrusted to handle bills has continually misappropriated money and has not paid bills for months at a time.

I was definitely almost to an irrecoverable state.

I’ve had to resort to removing her from the lease to stop her bad decisions with the owner of our property we lease.

Its horrible to put so much trust on an individual only to be literally shit on. Rent is also back up to a grand a month until we are caught up again! Thanks to her decision to use our rent money on an iTunes card scam. Damn it! No its not because I’m trans, lol life’s just a bitch!

I think it’s time

I think I finally have made it to the point after almost three years picking up pieces of my life, to be able to confidently say that I am genuinely, really happy now. This life of mine has taken many shapes and forms.

I began writing this about three weeks ago and decided to put it on hold in lieu of everything that has taken place in a matter of weeks. I recently found out that my sister-in-law has been misappropriating funds and that bills were not being paid,  something that has happened for quite some time, and then it went as far as the rent not being paid, which jacked us back up to 1000.00 a month instead of 750.00.so there was kind of a fall out here between her and I and I kind of had to make some changes regarding the payment of bills and who would have control over certain monies and I think we’re on the right track now but wow, I mean I’m so happy and and really do like the transition and everything that has taken place. My daughter is currently remodeling next door and has managed to get the ceilings up and it painted. So she’s ending up with a pretty good decent little room down there with her own bedroom as well as her bedroom for her son she’s came along way and she’s doing great.

I know I came to a dead Halt with my writing but as life goes on sometimes there are just distractions that prevent me from Actually taking the time to write something that would have any positive or any type of a message that would benefit anybody that reads it anyway however I think I’m back I think I’ll tell you about my baby’s that are growing so big.

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