Very well put! Still don’t like labels but, really hard to live in a world that uses so many terms…
Well shit, it’s just another day just like yesterday. Complete with its very own mind fucks of the day. I really just wish I could find a happy medium and stay right there. You’d think that finally finding sobriety, getting rid of the trashy people in my home, catching up on the bills and moving on…. Being in control of my impulses, handling responsibility and being respectful…..But!
Shit, always the BUT word! Always has to come up and ruin things..
But after three years with my boyfriend I’m feeling like the thrill is gone for him. Kind of like I’m always chasing him and never catching him, or maybe he’s running from me. Am I getting too serious for his comfort. I wish I knew how to simply turn my thoughts off so I could enjoy life a little before my old ass dies. Sure, he’s reassured me he loves me and is happy with our relationship. But I just can’t shake the feelings…. after all, I should know if I’m really happy or not right? ….WRONG!….
Maybe it’s the self destruction coming back, grasping at a straw to sabotage something good in my life for once.
I’d honestly rather be alone than constantly feel these feelings I feel. I think I am strong enough now to make it on my own. No I don’t want to hurt him, but don’t want to hurt either. Sometimes I feel like I’m begging him to give me the bad news, answer I want to hear. But I don’t. I want to be loved. He makes me feel complete and happy. But I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to be co-dependent…..? God, I’m really fucked up and can’t seem to keep one set emotion for an entire day. Having zero testosterone could be the real monster in the shadows… wish I really had a clue…
Just another gal
The new year has settled in for me already and it’s pretty much back to the grind. These past three years have been filled with plenty of struggle. Mood swings, depression, suicidal thoughts.
I had a full plate for sure. I have had to come to the realization about many things in my life. I had to work on myself, put myself back together. I didn’t know a divorce could put a person through what I endured. It’s aftermath seems so much more painful than the actual abuse itself. It was the best diet program I’ve ever been on and it worked.
Yes, one of my realizations was my weight. At 210 lbs. and 5’5 down to 137 lbs. I just couldn’t eat and always felt sick. But I have realized that I can look as good at a more reasonable and healthy weight, perhaps 146 lbs. Yep, had to learn to eat all over again these past three years without that twisted man in my life.
Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.
Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.
Rethinking everything in your life and fixing the cracks and flaws takes a tremendous amount of energy and discipline. Straight out! It’s fucking hard as fuck. PERIOD!
I’ve always been a blunt outspoken person, bad tempered, an alcoholic and pill popper. So harnessing the ability to communicate, control my temper, think before I react, etc.
But after three years and two months I can say that I have really made it back to reality.
This is three year’s after divorce:
This is during my marriage:
Today I can say I am sober and drug free. Mentally aware and in control of my new life. I feel like an old teenager learning about life, a good life. A life without abuse, drugs and toxicity .
Yes, another realization has been that each day is it’s own. It may be a good one, an ok one, or maybe even shitty. But it goes with life’s territory.
No more than a child;
Just nine years of age.
A heart full of innocence;
A mind of rage.
I trusted you Father;
To life me and care.
Always keeping our secret;
That I couldn’t share.
Confused and afraid;
Yet left wanting more.
No more than a child;
But years later a whore.
I gave you my body;
What else could I do.
No more than a child;
That didn’t have a clue.
Many years have passed;
But the memories still live.
Afraid to trust;
Unable to give.
No more than a child;
Betrayed by my dad.
Still missing the father;
I wished I’d had.
One that’d love
And nurture his son.
But I know now dad;
What’s done is done.
I trusted and loved you;
And for this was betrayed.
The day the perverted foundation was laid.
I’ve forgiven you dad;
For the wrong that you did;
But I’ll never forget;
My life as your kid.
No more than a child;
My innocence was lost;
You molested me father;
And I paid the cost.
Which transgendered people do not have a diagnosis of (G.I.D.) gender identity disorder? Why would the Supreme Court say not all transgendered are banned just those with dysphoria. Meaning if one regresses back to assigned birth you may join the military. What a joke this country has became crippled in just about every area of government, F.B.I,, U.S. Coast Gaurd, Military, Federal Workers, C.D.C., F.D.A. Federal Reserve, And it’s affecting more and more of the so called government as we grew up knowing and believing in. SAD! 9037 transgendered people have been banned. People are loosing homes, cars, health….
Just another gal,
Well it’s 2019 I’ve had gangah shiznit talked about me behind my back, even had my house pointed out. But, I’m still standing and hell yeah I’ve got lots of smiles on my face these days! can’t no one get me down. Happy New Year! It was well awaited for and needed, thank God and his miracles. Still Standing!
First of all happy New year folks we made it. As I’ve entered the new year, I’ve entered it with a brand new life.
The last 3 years I have spent re- learning, re-thinking, making many decisions and changes in my life, getting priorities in order. I’ve also did my house if the sixteen people that basically took over my home. My house is my house again. I seem to have started a new year complete. I have no regrets, because I would not be the person I am today, but in some ways it’s a sad thing to be starting out life at 57. Learning everything about life that I should have learned all these years ago, setting better boundaries being, responsible and paying bills. I’ve spent three years learning many things. And squandered half my life with many addictions. Abusive relationships, and two divorces.
I’ve accomplished so very much in such a few years and I’m like in awe because for almost a year now I have been sober, but more importantly, the desire to drink is no longer inside me. I’ve tried for many many years to quit and I was unable to. But for some unknown reason I have no desire any longer and it has made such a difference in my life that I should be filled with a tremendous amount of joy but I’m not, I find myself living a very dull boring life, a life filled with reputition, responsibility, and Im not a social person about when I go out like shopping or you know and I talked to the the cashier I’m always very friendly and sometimes get into you know some really good conversation so we laugh and talk but I don’t really have a social life I don’t go out I don’t know anybody I don’t ever pursue that. I have not one friend I do not play bingo nor do I go to bars or do I go to clubs. You can say I live a very isolated life because I do live with my sister-in-law and her daughter as well as my daughter and my grandson and my son-in-law but I’m always in my bedroom with my boyfriend who lives here as well.. Sometimes I think that maybe that is the reason that I somehow always manage to have an empty feeling. I know I’ve accomplished so much in 3 years and I know that I have total control over my life now and I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of being effective in paying bills and buying more and paying those bills and buying more and you know life is great. I don’t have to buy my my weed anymore because I grow it, it’s legal in my state. So you would think well a perfect life. At 57 I think I look pretty good and no I’m not conceited but I’ll admit I’m not ugly and I don’t look my age but it’s not worth nothing if you don’t feel good or if you’re not happy. looks are one thing but feelings are another.
I also think that if it’s not the isolation it very well could be the fact that I am living a completely new life because my old life consisted of drinking drugs running around with different men and living wild and now it’s the total opposite I like to look at it like two personalities. there’s Mona and then there’s Mary. Today I am mary because Mona died. I’ve started a new year as Mary.
Mary isn’t an alcoholic Mary doesn’t do porn Mary doesn’t escort Mary has her priorities together Mary has set boundaries for her life Mary will love herself first and most and will not tolerate any abusive relationship again so it’s kind of is like being a new person for me and I think that is what I struggle with too. sometimes the fact that my life is so great so perfect but I’m old and retired, I realize there isn’t really much to expect at my age but to be happy and comfortable but there is still always that empty feeling that seems to creep in you know I don’t feel like keeping up with my hair or you know my looks because I figure what the hell, nobody’s going to see me, I don’t go nowhere and I feel guilty because I like to look nice, haha! what women don’t. And besides I really am just another gal!
Well folks I’ll start off by saying that my Christmas was just like any other day we didn’t do anything special, my boyfriend and I, we stayed home. We did have dinner however and we exchanged a few gifts.
With this new year upon us I can’t help but reflect on the last 3 years of my life.
But first a little history for those of you who have not read anything about me, I was given to the state at the age of 11 and my life began on the streets of Hollywood California at the age of 14, toilet paper titties, cheap wigs and no idea how to put makeup on. My entire life as I look back was spent attempting to be the woman that I am today. It was also filled with prostitution, porn, drug use, robberies, a few prison terms and more drugs.
I’ve been married to one man and divorced 3 years ago thank God and I’ve been married to a woman who is also transgendered like myself and we both share a daughter who lives with me at the moment with my grandson
3 years ago I had about 16 people living in this house some were stealing from me, all of them were irresponsible, inconsiderate and I suffered a substantial loss of things like towels, washcloths dishes, silverware and everything was replaced with plastic. I was humiliated, angry, stressed and wanted my home back.
The last few years of my marriage was pure hell. Among those 16 people living here I had a 20 year old girl living with us, my husband and I at the time had the agreement to have a second wife and I went along with it with the understanding that if it didn’t work out between her and I that he would get rid of her and when it didn’t work out between her and I, because she wanted him all to herself, he swore he loved us both but his plan was to get rid of me and keep her It was a really bad ugly situation. I can remember many nights crying myself to sleep as they made love on the bed in front of me and totally left me out of it he beat me, he dragged me up and down the stairs by my hair many times and if you’ve seen my site, you’ve seen the pictures.
Well this past November 25th made three years that I have spent without my husband, who went to jail with that 20 year old girl for bringing a 16 year old boy up to the mountains for sex.
I went out and got me a restraining order, I told his nephew not to bail him out because he was doing meth and needed to dry out. I got a divorce, I took him off the house lease and I basically told him that when he received the papers for the divorce that if he fought me I would put him away for the rest of his life because of information that I know about him and the things that he has done. So I ended up with everything, his car, his truck, his van, mine! And his shit in the garbage.
The 16 people I’m proud to say they are all gone the family moved out I threw the other two out. So it’s basically now my sister-in-law and her daughter, my daughter and my grandson. Oh and my and her boyfriend’s. Who work!
So it the new year starting I don’t make New year’s resolutions because you never seem to be able to keep them but three years ago before New year’s in November when my husband went to jail I said I was going to go forward and I was not going to look back and that I was going to love myself first and more before I would love anyone else.
And yes I have managed to do this, but let me tell you it has been one long-ass hard road to walk.
I still had a drinking problem and a drug problem and from all the abuse I guess a form of PTSD so I was on medication.
But during these three years I’ve been learning many things about myself, about people and really the meaning of life.
I can’t say that I have regrets although it is a shame to start your life at the age of 57 like I am doing. Learning how to communicate with people, learning to control my anger and my temper. Keeping my alcohol/drugs under control, learning how to set better boundaries in my life, as well as respecting the boundaries of others. Also another important area has been my finances, my bills. I’ve had to learn to make better choices smarter choices and always think of the consequences simple things that I should have learned many many years ago but because I began my life at the age of 14 selling my body on the streets of Hollywood, which created the alcoholism because it enabled me to become that whore I needed to be to make the money I needed to survive. I spent my entire life addicted to drugs in and out of bad, abusive relationships, in and out of prison and just plain shit life.
But I’m happy to say that I’ve gotten rid of all the benzodiazepines, no more valium, no more Klonopin. I’ve also been sober a good year, and the funny thing is I just lost the desire for it, which I have to call a miracle. I give God the credit because I tried my entire life and couldn’t do it. My psychiatrist told me that it was about 1% divine intervention and 99% my hard work and my effort. Either way, I say that God intervened because he said he would NEVER leave me and he hasn’t. So that leaves me where I’m at now.
My home is my home again. I’m healthy, I’m sober, I have no desire to drink one might say I have a good life now I’ve set better boundaries I’ve paid off many bills including my divorce. I’ve even bought a washer and dryer and I have money to spend for the first time in my entire life it’s like a 57 year old young adult learning to live in the world and be responsible. learning about myself. it’s like way weird for me. for the first time in all my life I can say that I’m sober, my mind is clear, I can think straight which enables me to make better choices better and decisions, set my priorities in the right order and you know it’s been working. I’ve paid off many bills and I’ve bought new things and I’m paying them off and things are just kind of rolling along.
But I should have done these things many years ago and that always upsets me.
I’ve had to accept the fact that yes I am a mother, but I don’t need to parent. I’ve also had to accept the fact that I needed boundaries in my life. I’ve gotten rid of all the shit people that were in my life and house and have only surrounded myself with the handful that live here.
And no I don’t play bingo, I don’t go to bars, I don’t go to dance clubs, I don’t have one friend. 365 days out of the year not one person will knock on my door to see me. I guess I just prefer to be that way because it keeps me out of trouble and it keeps trouble away from me.
I think I have the perfect man who lives with me, neither one of us want to be married, it’s really just companionship with an agreement of monogamy and honesty, simple.
I’ve also had to accept the fact that I’m retired I’ll never work again so my day is pretty repetitious. I get up in the morning I get up with my boyfriend and have coffee before he goes to work and then after he leaves, it’s 5 and I stay up and take my meds, I do laundry if I have it, I empty my trash if I have it, I vacuum, I do my dishes, clean my cat litter box twice a day actually they deserve a clean box, make sure to check their food and water. Them I take my medications. I’ve been glued to CNN lately with this government shutdown and how it’s affecting everyone down to my level. Basically waiting for my boyfriend to get home. I suppose if I wanted I can sit and watch all my pot plants grow but that’s already got boring I just wait for the harvest. Sometimes I watch YouTube music videos all morning all afternoon.
(Beeper just went off on dryer, lol)
Okay back to my blog, so really everyday is just the same as any other day. sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s news. I sit in the pantry a lot and look out the window or I spend time with my kitties.
But for me it’s just a regular day. There’s no excitement, there’s no spark, kind of lonely. It’s kind of like an empty feeling and I can’t put my finger on it.
Lately I’ve been battling the fact that I have to give up and I have to do my hair I have to put my contacts in you know I have to get myself presentable for the day but then I asked myself why should I even bother if I’m not going nowhere I’m not going to see anybody I mean it’s a lot of work for nothing pretend it’s the same time my mom always told me if you’re going to do something do your best and be the best and so I’ve always worked hard to look my best to look good and I think it 57 I look pretty damn good. But what does it matter if I don’t feel good. I have every reason to be happy I know I’ve accomplished many many things, however, they should have been accomplished many, many years ago. But I’ve done it. I should be happy. But it’s like finding out that life for me at my age is just the same old shit day. Day in and day out!
I’ve managed to put my life back together and actually learn quite a bit about myself and about other people, but I still feel empty and alone inside and I don’t know why.
Probably the most exciting thing in my life was that Katrina check wanting to point me out and her workplace grocery outlet and then again on Facebook’s neighborhood watch for the city I live in, other than that, there is no excitement. Life is just the same old shit everyday, same old shit and I don’t know. Was I expecting life to be different? maybe or maybe I’ve lost all those years and now I’m old I really just don’t know. Someone please give me a clue. I am just another gal!