So far, so good!

The new year has settled in for me already and it’s pretty much back to the grind. These past three years have been filled with plenty of struggle.  Mood swings,  depression, suicidal thoughts.

I had a full plate for sure.  I have had to come to the realization about many things in my life. I had to work on myself, put myself back together. I didn’t know a divorce could put a person through what I endured. It’s aftermath seems so much more painful than the actual abuse itself. It was the best diet program I’ve ever been on and it worked.

Yes, one of my realizations was my weight.  At 210 lbs. and 5’5 down to 137 lbs. I just couldn’t eat and always felt sick. But I have realized that I can look as good at a more reasonable and healthy weight,  perhaps 146 lbs. Yep,  had to learn to eat all over again these past three years without that twisted man in my life.


Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.

Left photos are after my divorce, right photos are during my marriage to a monster.

Rethinking everything in your life and fixing the cracks and flaws takes a tremendous amount of energy and discipline. Straight out! It’s fucking hard as fuck. PERIOD!

I’ve always been a blunt outspoken person, bad tempered, an alcoholic and pill popper. So harnessing the ability to communicate,  control my temper,  think before I react, etc.

But after three years and two months I can say that I have really made it back to reality.

This is three year’s after divorce:

This is during my marriage:

Today I can say I am sober and drug free. Mentally aware and in control of my new life. I feel like an old teenager learning about life, a good life. A life without abuse, drugs and toxicity .

Yes, another realization has been that each day is it’s own. It may be a good one,  an ok one, or maybe even shitty. But it goes with life’s territory.

Back to the grind…

Damn, it felt like a Monday! Got hooked watching Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan last nite so I decided to just stay up since we get up at 3am for coffee before my Boo leaves for work. By the time he left at 5 am I was fried.

And yes I went back to bed and didn’t crawl out of it until 10:30am. The day is usually filled with the everyday mundane chores I have. So I take my time and make extra tripsgetting it all done….

I’m so happy that the entire holiday is just about over with for another year… yay! I still say give it to the kids. It’s too commercialized for me to bother. My daughter has my 11 year old grandson, so yes for her and her little family, Christmas works. For her.

My sciatic nerve is giving me a hard time, and has been for the last three mornings. I’ve had to stop doing my exercises. Doesn’t keep the music off though, just don’t get the cardio. So I think that means I’ll be on some bedrest, TV watching, napping, smoking… and just vegatating…

Retiremember has it’s downside for sure!

Changes to bring peace.

It’s really nice when you open up your home two unemployed individuals and families that have their house foreclosed but it really isn’t very nice when all you’re left with is a big nasty mess. garbage, lack of responsibility and the mindset that life consists only on self-serving selfishness and in consideration to the other people around them.. you all know who you are! But I am very thankful that I have finally gotten rid of everyone of the irresponsible, childish, immature leeches and my house will not fall.

It’s an honor having known: Alisha Hal’s, Malinda Baily, Tim Good man, Wendy Exceen, Ariel Clayton and the rest of the trash.

I think it’s time

I think I finally have made it to the point after almost three years picking up pieces of my life, to be able to confidently say that I am genuinely, really happy now. This life of mine has taken many shapes and forms.

I began writing this about three weeks ago and decided to put it on hold in lieu of everything that has taken place in a matter of weeks. I recently found out that my sister-in-law has been misappropriating funds and that bills were not being paid,  something that has happened for quite some time, and then it went as far as the rent not being paid, which jacked us back up to 1000.00 a month instead of there was kind of a fall out here between her and I and I kind of had to make some changes regarding the payment of bills and who would have control over certain monies and I think we’re on the right track now but wow, I mean I’m so happy and and really do like the transition and everything that has taken place. My daughter is currently remodeling next door and has managed to get the ceilings up and it painted. So she’s ending up with a pretty good decent little room down there with her own bedroom as well as her bedroom for her son she’s came along way and she’s doing great.

I know I came to a dead Halt with my writing but as life goes on sometimes there are just distractions that prevent me from Actually taking the time to write something that would have any positive or any type of a message that would benefit anybody that reads it anyway however I think I’m back I think I’ll tell you about my baby’s that are growing so big.


Finally, I’ve got a break, I think.

Seems as though this entire move between three different families had been actually a pretty good transition. And I was ready for a break.

I can finally relax

My daughter seems to be happy

© 2018

Easy decisions, Maybe yes…

Well, today is a day that I think that the pedal finally has hit the metal. As some readers may know the battle with my adult daughter has been a constant distraction in my life as a disruption to the other tenants that reside here at this property. As I previously stated her and I had agreements that she has not stuck to and even tries to blame me for the same thing. She has changed her mind about her living arrangements so many times and has completely gone against everything I tried to tell her to prevent this debt she has managed to accumulate. But to no avail, your child sometimes always almost knows more than you.


Some history, This a daughter that grew up with both a trans mother and father and fully understood and accepted it at the age of 7. BUT, She also grew up hearing her Mother screaming about not wanting children and that it was my kid, my responsibility, etc. So I did it, went to work, came home and tended to my daughter and even made dinner and cleaned the house. All while she /he laid in the unmade bed all day with one hand in her sweats and the other with the TV remote in her hand. AND, she still favored him over me and neither one of us were any better of a parent when she was a child, only I accepted the responsibility of my daughter and she didn’t.

When she asked to come home it was after 12 years of silence and not a word from her. She didn’t want anything to do with me and made it clear. But when she called and asked to come home I let her, along with a few agreements, in which she has broken every one of them.


We have managed to reach an amicable agreement. The family of Six moved to their new house, now we’re down to only 9 of us here in the house. My daughter had already moved down here in the basement and is going to build her apt like my ex and I did on this side. And has decided to stay here and confront her demons and grow up.

So at the end of the day, I can say that I am actually happy.

A mothers confession.


Now as a mother I now know there comes a time when you have to take a step back and re-access the nature of you and your adult daughter’s relationship, you really have.

I have just recently done exactly that and it really was an eye-opener that I’d love to share with my readers:

So last year my daughter came to live with me after 12 years of silence, a bad relationship and virtually nowhere to go. As a child, she was hard headed and gave me problems during her childhood school years. But as a parent I made plenty of my own mistakes. Anyway, with the agreement that she would carry herself as a grown woman and be responsible in all her actions and not get distracted with a relationship.  Which would leave her being self-sufficient. Now for the past year-and-a-half I have struggled with trying to intervene and prevent her from making mistakes and at the same time somehow Shield her from many elements that I myself was exposed to when I was growing up. She has in fact moved a guy in she met on the Internet, is trying to get pregnant  and started to just go back on our verbal agreements.

I recently realized that as a parent I have been trying two more or less tell her what she needed to do and how she needed to do it but the fact is it at 27 years old she is a grown woman and no longer needs a mother who is going to continually stand over her and point out every mistake that she is about to make or criticize the decisions that she makes. I do understand that as a parent I do not have to always agree with my daughters decisions, like her as an individual or like the things she does. But as she is a grown woman, I do however have to respect her if I expect to have a relationship with my daughter. When I reanalyzed our relationship I realized that I am on the verge of losing her and not enjoying a gratifying relationship with the child that I have always wanted.


I Now understand as a mother I have to understand that my daughter is no longer my little girl and that she is in fact a grown woman with a child of her own and that if I expect to have any type of relationship with her I need to back off and simply let her make those mistakes and learn from them hopefully and not necessarily be so quick to make judgement or to criticize her and simply let her be the woman she wants to be and just be supportive and always be there to catch her if she falls.

It isn’t easy as a mother to realize that your baby is no longer a baby and is in fact another adult and that if you do not let them be adults you are invading their space and either intimidating them or at least making them feel uncomfortable.

We mean well and want the best for our child. But at some point you have to accept that they are not longer children, but adults. Thus, leave them alone and just enjoy having them or risk chasing them out of your life.